


Gloom Boy

by oursaviorkellinquinn



Category: Sleeping With Sirens, waterparks - Fandom
Genre: Depression, M/M, Sad, Self Harm, Tour, TriggerWarning, smut at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:41:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22651924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oursaviorkellinquinn/pseuds/oursaviorkellinquinn
Summary: Feeling like he has no other options, Awsten turns to unhealthy coping mechanisms when he finds himself depressed on tour.
Relationships: Gawsten - Relationship
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is semi-edited, meaning I read through it a second time but I totally could have missed errors. Just...ignore them please. Also HUGE TRIGGER WARNING PEEPS. This entire work is about self harm and depressing thoughts so please please please be careful and know your triggers.

~Awsten pov~  
No. This can not be happening. This can not be happening on the first day of my first real tour. My brain has completely given up and I am depressed as fuck.

This happens every once in awhile, but nobody else knows that. I would wake up and feel like I couldn’t get out of bed, so I wouldn’t for a few days. I would just drop off the map until I was feeling better, then make up excuses for my friends.

But today is the first day that we’re opening for Sleeping with Sirens and that’s huge. We’ve been waiting forever for our big break and here it is, but I’m gonna be too fucked up to perform.

Everything feels heavy and dark and emotionless. It takes too much of my energy to locate my phone and check the time which tells me that I have half an hour till we’re supposed to do sound check.

“Fuck.” I whisper, closing my eyes again.  
What am I gonna do? I can’t let down the band, but nobody knows that this happens to me. What am I gonna tell them? They can’t know I’m depressed because that will make them treat me completely differently.

Come on, I just need to get up. I’m fine. Maybe I’m not depressed, I just need to take a shower and get some food and I’ll be fine. But I can’t do it, I can’t make myself leave my bunk.

“Awsten?” I hear Geoff yell from somewhere else in the bus.

I don’t reply, knowing he’ll find me.

“Awsten, you awake?” He asks, flinging the curtain to my bunk open.

“Fuck Geoff! Yes I am.” I curse.

“Dude why aren’t you up? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I was just getting up.” I mutter.

Using every bit of strength I have I sit up and jump down from my bed. I’ve never tried to be productive on one of my bad days, but it isn’t a good idea. I feel like shit.

“Are you sure you’re okay, you look pale.” Geoff says quietly.

Fucking Geoff, always trying to take care of me.

“Yeah yeah, I’m totally good. I’m gonna take a shower.”

With that I grab my bag and shut myself in the bathroom.

This is never going to work. If it took that long to force myself out of bed, how in the fuck am I going to put on a show tonight? I don’t want to do anything. My body feels like it weighs a thousand pounds and I feel so drained and emotionless. Smiling is definitely not a possibility and my head is aching since I haven’t eaten anything.

I manage to rinse off in the shower, not bothering with soap of any form. I towel dry my hair and slip into fresh skinny jeans and a tank top.

When I emerge from the bathroom literally everyone is waiting for me. Geoff, Otto, our bassist, our tour manager, Jawn, and even a couple guys from Sleeping with Sirens are standing around.

“How are feeling?” Otto asks.

“Fine. I’m totally fine.” I say, slipping past everyone and slinging my bag up to our storage bunk.

“Are you sure? You slept all day.” My tour manager chimes in.

“Jesus Christ, what did you tell them Geoff?” I shout, suddenly feeling angry that they won’t just fucking leave me alone.

“I was just worried about you Aws. You didn’t seem like yourself and I thought you might be sick but pretending to be fine so we can play.”

“I’m not sick, alright? Let’s go to sound check.”

I leave the bus, ignoring anyone else that’s trying to coddle me.

The rest of the day is weird. Everyone treats me like a fucking toddler that’s having a grumpy day and I just wish I could go back to bed. If I was home I would be in my bed, binge watching The Office and letting myself cry.

By showtime I think I might die, or pass out, or start sobbing. I’m tired and sad and my head is still hurting because I’ve barely eaten anything other than a huge coffee earlier, but instead of letting anyone know that, I’m quiet. Not talking to anyone was better than everyone finding out that I’m insane.

“Ready to go on?” Otto asks me, fiddling with his in-ears.

I just nod and turn my back to him.

I can do this. One show and I can go to bed. Just a few songs then I’ll go back to the bus and shower so I can cry. Crowd interaction isn’t gonna kill me, I just need to push all of my energy forward and be fun for half an hour.

“Alright, you guys are on.” Someone shouts.

The show felt more like thirty hours than thirty minutes. But I fucking did it. I ran and jumped and played my guitar and sang every word, all with a huge smile plastered on my face. I felt bad for lying to the crowd when it was obvious to everyone else that this was all a bunch of bullshit, but I was out of options. Fake happy was better than looking like an asshole on stage, or not playing at all.

As soon as we say goodnight to the crowd I give a stage hand my guitar, rip out my ear monitors, and walk to the bus. I hear a couple people shout at me but I just keep going, really hoping they aren’t fans.

The bathroom in the bus feels like a fucking sanctuary. Alone. I can finally be alone. I turn on the shower but don’t bother getting in, even though I’m sweaty and probably should. 

Instead, I sit on the floor with my back against the wall and let myself sob. Tears pour out of my eyes for no reason. I’m just empty and hurting and today had been too much. How am I going to keep this up for two fucking months?

Looking up at the sink I see my razor sitting there. No. I can’t resort to that. Definitely not. But I still stand up, grabbing the object, turning it over, trying to decide how the blades come out. I don’t think they’re supposed to be removed, so I do the only thing I can think of. I drop the razor on the ground and stomp on it with my shoe. Of course the plastic frame that holds the blades easily breaks and little bits go flying all over.

If I’m doing this I cannot be caught. There’s no question there. So I carefully pick up the three blades and place them on the counter, then I pick up every little bit of plastic and the remaining handle from my razor and stash it all in my bag.

I know that I don’t have much longer before someone will come check on me, especially with how weird I’ve acted today. So I sit back down on the floor and take one of the blades from the counter. Without thinking twice I dig it into my pale wrist and make a horizontal slash, and another and another until there’s a neat, satisfying row of them. I count and am shocked to find that I just cut myself six times. 

This is bad, but I actually feel better. The burning caused from the cuts takes my mind off the emotionless feeling, and I almost feel lighter for some reason.

I make a mental note to buy some ace bandages, but for right now I wrap my wrist in a towel and slide on my big hoodie. As long as I can make it to my bed without anyone bothering me, I should be okay. 

Of course I’m not lucky enough for that. After I double check the restroom to make sure I haven’t left any incriminating evidence behind of what I just did, I open the door and walk out to find Geoff leaning across the hall.

“Hey.” He says softly, like I’m a fucking spooked animal.

“Hey.” I reply, swiftly moving toward my bunk.

“Are you-“

I cut him off before he can even ask me.

“Geoff, I’m fucking great.” I say casually, then I swing my body up into my bunk and shut the curtain. 

When I snuggle under the covers and finally close my eyes I can’t help but be proud that I not only made it through today and played a show, but I also found something that makes it feel possible to do this every day.

~

I wake up feeling just as shitty as yesterday, if not worse because now my arm stings like a bitch. Great. Not to mention the fact that almost all of my wardrobe consists of short sleeved shirts and I’m definitely not gonna be able to wear those anymore. I did not think this through.

Again, I stay in my bunk till Geoff comes to get me, then I shuffle to the bathroom for a shower.

When I take off my sweatshirt the towel beneath is stuck to my arm with dried blood. Fucking fantastic. I carefully remove it but a few cuts break open and start developing little beads of blood. Under the stream of warm water I wash my arm and give my whole body a quick scrub with soap. Once I’m done and dried off it looks like all the cuts are done bleeding, so I put my sweatshirt back on and mentally prepare myself for the rest of the day. I’ll have to go to soundcheck, have supper with everyone, play the show, and then I can come back to the bus and cut. I can do this.

I drag my ass to soundcheck and try to act normal, even making myself smile at Geoff so that he’ll back off.

At dinner I sit by Otto but stay quiet, just like I’ve been doing all day and most of yesterday. 

Making conversation is too exhausting and my voice shakes a little like I’m going to cry anytime I talk, so I just kept my mouth shut. 

Nobody seems to care anyways, I don’t matter.

“Is that what you’re wearing on stage tonight?” Otto asks me.

I look down at my black skinny jeans and my tie dyed sweatshirt.

“Oh, no.” I reply softly. Fuck.

He nods a little then turns back to Jawn.

I need to go shopping, preferably before our show tonight because I know for a fact that I didn’t bring anything else with sleeves and I can’t just live in this hoodie. It’s September, I didn’t think I would need anything other than tank tops and t-shirts.

When we’re all walking back to the venue after dinner I spot a Target down the street and split away from the group without anyone noticing. Why would they? I never talk or joke with them. I’m basically acting like an asshole.

In Target I choose a few colorful, slightly oversized sweaters from both the men and the women’s department. What can I say, I like variety. Then I pick up a couple of funky necklaces in hopes that I can just claim I needed a style change and skip over everyone drilling me on my new fashion choices.

I’m making my way to the registers at the front of the building when I see the health isle with a display of band aids on the end cap. Shit. If I’m gonna keep doing this then I’m definitely gonna need some ace bandages.

Once I get everything I need I quickly pay and go back to the venue for the show. 

Everyone is flipping out because we’re supposed to go on in ten minutes and nobody knew where I had disappeared to, but seeing I’m okay they aren’t too upset.

I slide into a dressing room and put on one of my new ensembles, then literally run onstage. 

The show was a success and everyone flipped out over my new look, which made me cringe because none of them actually knew why I was dressed like this. They wouldn’t like me if they knew.

Afterwords end up back in the bus bathroom, destroying my wrist and crying. But once my wounds are wrapped up and my tears are dried, I feel better. Like fuck, I feel a lot better.

Even though I’m scared my shitty feelings will be back in the morning, I figure I should use this time while I have it.

Instead of going straight to my bunk, I join Otto, Geoff, and Jawn in the lounge at the front of the bus.

“Hey.” I chirp as I enter the room.

Everyone’s heads whip towards me and their faces look shocked.

I try to ignore their reactions and make my way over to Geoff. We have the strongest friendship out of anyone here because we’ve known each other a long time, so I’m confident he doesn’t hate me. I sit on the couch next to him, snuggling into his side and bringing my knees up to my chest. He immediately wraps his arm around me and I let out a sigh at how comforting the action is.

“Feeling better?” Jawn asks.

I can feel a blush cover my cheeks because I know I’ve been acting like a dick. Should I give them an explanation? Just then I look down at the sleeves covering my wrists and realize that coming clean would mean admitting to the self harm and I can’t do that. So I grip the ends of the sleeves tightly and answer my friend as truthfully as I can.

“Yeah, a little bit.”

They all nod and look a little relieved, then we all turn our attention to the tv.

•••

I’m thrilled to wake up the next morning and realize that I don’t feel like shit. In fact, I feel excited to be on tour and even a little motivated to get shit done. But that night after the show I still cut myself. I don’t even know why I do, but it’s like I felt an urge. Since I already have to hide cuts, why not add a few more anyways? It makes me feel better. I know that my depressed spell was just going to end and me cutting myself didn’t have anything to do with it, but I couldn’t help but feel like as long as I cut, it wouldn’t happen again.

The rest of the tour goes on like this. Everyone is thrilled that I’m back to my old self and eventually I think they forget about those days I acted strange. The fans fucking love my new sweaters, so I don’t have to explain that to anyone. Geoff and I are even getting closer and talking about maybe going on a date when we get back home. Geoff is bisexual and I’m gay, so we’ve talked about going out before, but the timing never felt right, until now. We’ll be done with tour for a few months and Geoff recently moved to L.A. so we wouldn’t have to date long distance. Everything is actually going great. 

But every single night when we get off stage I get this crazy urge to hurt myself. My brain tells me that if I don’t do it, I’ll become depressed again and not be able to perform. It doesn’t matter because I deserve it anyways. Eventually my left wrist fills up with more cuts and scabs and scars than I can count, so I move to the other one, but I have small wrists, so that one is covered quickly as well. After cutting my ribs for a couple of nights I decide it doesn’t feel as good as my wrists did, so I try my hips and thighs. That feels better. 

Then something happens. The tour ends. Even though I’ve been telling myself that the self harm is just to get myself through this tour, I know for a fact that I can’t stop. I’m addicted. This is the one thing that keeps me going, and it’s not really hurting anyone (except literally me) so I decide to not even try to stop when I go home.

As we’re all unpacking our tour bus Geoff comes over to me with a goofy grin on his face.

“What are you doing this Friday night?” He asks me with a flirtatious smile.

“Um, I don’t think I have anything planned.”

“Do you wanna go out? Like on a date?”

I smiled at him because he’s cute when he’s nervous.

“Yeah, pick me up at seven?”

“Sounds great! I’ll, uh, see you then.” 

It’s only Monday so I’m gonna have to wait all week in anticipation, but I’m a little glad that I’ll have a few days to rest.

•••

Well shit. It’s Friday morning and I absolutely cannot make myself get out of bed. My thighs burn from all the cuts I added to them last night, I can’t stop the tears from flowing out of my eyes, and my head is pounding for no fucking reason. There was a part of me that knew self harming hadn’t actually cured my depression, but I guess a little part of me was convinced it had.

I can’t make myself eat or drink or get up to pee, but there’s one thing I absolutely have to do. I have to cancel on Geoff. I can’t have him showing up here tonight while I’m like this. It takes me forever to find my phone, but I do eventually, and I shoot off one text before going back to sleep.

Awsten: Sick, reschedule date night?

Geoff: I’ll bring you some of my famous soup!

So when I wake up someone is knocking on the door I have no idea who it could be and I don’t really care. I’m not planning on answering it, but I figure I should probably drink some water before I pass out or die or something, given it was evening now and the only thing I’ve done today was go pee twice. Since I was already getting up for a drink, I might as well see who the fuck is at my door.

I swing it open and there stands Geoff. He’s just in sweats and a t-shirt but his hair is fixed and he smells good.

“Did you get my text?” I croak. My voice is shit since I just woke up.

“Yeah, hence the comfortable clothes. Did you get mine?”

“Shit, no. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I just brought you some soup and I thought we could watch a movie or something.”

I blush at his kindness and grip the ends of my sleeves, a habit I’ve picked up since I’m constantly paranoid they’ll ride up and expose the lines beneath.

“Okay, come in.” I say quietly, stepping to the side so he can join me in my apartment. I stumble a little bit because I’m dizzy as hell, but Geoff puts a hand on my waist to steady me.

“Woah, you can go lay down, I’ll put the soup in the fridge.”

I nod and get myself a glass of water before I go back to bed, where Geoff joins me shortly after. I know that tonight was supposed to be our first date, so this is probably weird, but I suddenly get the urge to lay on my friend’s lap. He’s sitting propped up against my headboard on top of the covers, so I slid out from under my sheets and plop myself in between his legs. He laughs and puts his arms around my waist, pulling me close to him.

We watch a movie for a little while but somehow I know that Geoff isn’t paying attention. Finally, he tells me what’s on his mind.

“Aws?”

“Yeah?” I murmur.

“Are you depressed?”

I sit up and look at him, turning my torso a little.

“Why would you think that?”

He blushes a little and seems nervous, but tells me his thoughts nonetheless.

“It’s just that you do this sometimes. You’ll say that you’re sick even though you never have symptoms, or you’ll disappear for a few days but never leave your apartment. And on tour last month? When you wouldn’t leave your bunk and you kept giving me that bullshit smile?”

I turn and lay back down against his chest. He deserves to know.

“Yeah. I guess I go through like...depressive episodes or some shit.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“I just didn’t want to be treated differently.”

“Have you ever talked to a doctor about it?”

“No.”

I can’t see him but I can feel his worry rolling off of him in waves. Why does he even care?

“Don’t you want medicine? How do you, like, cope? Usually?”

Without thinking about it I grab the ends of my sleeves. Shit. Why did I do that? I’m so fucking stupid.

Geoff takes my shoulder and makes me spin back around so that we’re face to face. He looks a little scared. This angle is uncomfortable so I bring my legs around too and straddle him.

“Aws, show me your wrists.”

My breath hitches and I swear my heart stops beating for a second. This can’t be happening.

“What? N-no.” I stutter.

“Why?”

“Why do you want to see them?”

“Because I think you cut them.”

I hang my head down and make sure to not let go of my sleeves. Knowing that my best friend is about to find out my biggest secret is making me feel panicky and shy. He’ll make me stop cutting and then I’ll be depressed all the time.

Geoff gently tilts my chin up so that we’re looking into each other’s eyes, and takes my hand in his.

“How about this. You don’t have to show me, will you just tell me if you’re hurting yourself?” Geoff offers.

I think about it for a second then gently nod.

“Yes you hurt yourself?” He questions.

I sigh. I know I’m gonna have to talk to him about it eventually, I can’t just nod along.

“Yeah. I do cut myself.” I whisper, but since we’re sitting so close together I know he can hear me.

I’m not sure why, but he looks surprised and sad. He was the one who asked me if I self harm, why is he surprised?

“How long have you been doing that for?”

“Just since the start of the last tour.”

I hear him let out what sounds like a sigh of relief.

“Okay. That’s not too bad. Right? It’s not too bad?”

I accidentally sob and let my head fall onto his shoulder.

“Is it really bad?” He whispers.

I sniffle and sit up, deciding to just show him. These questions are killing me.

“Are you sure you want to see?” I ask him. I don’t want him to freak out or anything.

He just gulps and nods.

I start simple and just push one sleeve up, that way if he’s disgusted by me he won’t even know the full extent. 

When I flip my wrist over he audibly gasps. Then looks up at me, then back at my destroyed skin. I can’t believe how gross it looks. It’s a mess of scars and scabs and even a few fresh cuts. Some of the scars are white, some of them are pink, a few that I think got infected are raised up while others sink lower than my natural skin.

“Fuck Awsten, this is awful.” He says gently. Like I don’t fucking realize that.

I think it surprises us both when I laugh. It’s not a humorous laugh though, it’s a little bitter. I sound like a dick.

“You don’t even know.”

He looks at me with real fear in his eyes as I leave his lap and stand beside the bed. I take off my sweater, revealing that my other arm matches the one he’s already seen, but also unveiling the few scars along my ribs. There’s only about a dozen total, but they were pretty deep and the scarred skin stands out on my pale torso.

“Jesus christ, I-“ Geoff starts, but I hold up my hand.

“That’s not it.” 

If I’m going to show someone then I’m not going to sugar coat it. I push my sweatpants down leaving me in just my boxers, which do cover quite a bit of the damage, but I’m obviously not going to stand here naked.

“Is that all?” He asks, tears threatening to spill out of his beautiful blue eyes. I can’t believe I’ve made him cry. He’s so beautiful and perfect and now he’s gonna hate me and kick me out of the band and put me in a mental hospital.

“Yeah.” I basically whimper.

He stands up and wraps me in a hug. His arms are warm and when I push my face into his neck his nice smell overwhelms me. I’m glad he’s the one who found out.

“Will you just sit with me for a minute?” Geoff asks, his voice full of emotion.

I look up at him in surprise. He isn’t disgusted by me? I give a little nod.

He sits back down on the bed and I plop in between his legs, my back pressed up against his warm chest. I let my head fall back and even close my eyes. This has all been way too much, especially today.

“Does it keep going all the way up your hips?”

“Mm-hmm.” I confirm.

“Why? Does it help?”

His question throws me off guard because I don’t even know why I do it anymore. At first I obviously had reason, but now I’m not so sure.

“I started just to get me through some...depression I guess. But even when it got better and even when we got home, I can’t stop.”

“You mean, you’re like...addicted to it?”

“I guess.”

“Well, what can I do to help?”

“Geoff-“ I sigh, ready to tell him that I’m fine and I don’t need help because I know I can’t stop. Just because he knows doesn’t magically mean I’m cured.

“No. I don’t mean like that. I mean right now. What do you need? Have you eaten anything today?”

“Oh, no.”

“Okay, I’m gonna get you some soup. You put on your clothes.”

I just nod, doing as I’m told. Once I’m dressed I get back in bed because I’m unbelievably tired and I actually wish I could cut myself right now.

Geoff brings me food and he snuggles under the covers with me all evening. Eventually I ask if he’ll stay with me tonight and he says yes. 

When we’re both laying in the dark, spooning and feeling vulnerable, I get up the guts to bring up the cutting again.

“So you don’t hate me for hurting myself?” I ask.

“Definitely not.”

“And you’re not mad that I kept it all a secret?”

“I was a little hurt at first, but I think I understand. So no, I’m not mad.”

“Are you gonna tell anyone?”

“I think Otto and Jawn deserve to know. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, will you tell them for me?”

“If that makes you more comfortable.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m happy to help.”

“Can we talk about this more tomorrow? I’m fucking exhausted.” I admit quietly.

“Sure. Get some sleep.”

And even though I still feel like hell and I still want to hurt myself and I know that more than likely I will wake up with these same feelings tomorrow, I also feel like there’s a little bit of hope. Someone knows now which means I’m not alone, and that feels like a little light in a whole bunch of darkness.


	2. The Boy is Back and Sad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Geoff discovers Awsten’s darkest secret he knows he needs to help the boy, but recovery is a long road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonjour again bitches. Per usual this is ~kinda~ edited...so don’t mind any mistake. Trigger warning for depression and self harm. Also the last portion is almost completely smut so beware.

Geoff’s POV  
When I wake up the next morning the first thing I notice is that someone is in my arms. On closer inspection that someone is Awsten, and he’s shaking. No, not shaking, sobbing.

“Hey.” I murmur in my groggy morning voice.

He just keeps sobbing so I tighten my arms around him in what I hope is a soothing manner.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, not surprised when I don’t get an answer. 

The small boy just keeps crying and gently sobbing. Not the kind of sobs that escape when you’re really upset over something, but small ones that come with a long period of crying.

I untangle my limbs from him and slide out from under the warm blankets on the bed, then I walk around the bed and join him on the other side. This way we’re face to face with our heads sharing a pillow.

I almost regret having moved when I see him, he looks so sad that I have to swallow back a lump in my throat. His eyes are red and puffy and his nose is running a little. I wrap my arms around him again and pull his body close to mine.

“Are you okay?” I ask him gently.

He gives a small nod.

“Are you still worried about telling Otto and Jawn about all of this?”

He gives a more vigorous nod.

“Okay, how about I tell them without you? I thought you might want to be there but if it makes you uncomfortable I can go and do it alone today.”

He smiles a little through the tears, still not speaking, but I know he likes my suggestion.

Awsten reaches up a hand and wipes away his tears, then looks at me, his eyes flicking from my eyes to my lips. In a slow movement he closes the distance between us and kisses me. It’s slow and sweet, his lips are warm and a little bit rough. I pull his body as close to mine as possible as he runs his tongue across my bottom lip, asking for entry. When his tongue slides into my mouth I can’t help but let out a small moan and deepen the kiss. We’re both getting into it, our breathing getting heavier and our bodies reacting to our make out session. 

When I feel myself beginning to get turned on I finally end the kiss, knowing it would be wrong to take this any further. I didn’t know if Awsten would want to do this if he was thinking straight and that makes me worry I’m taking advantage of him.

“Do you want some breakfast?” I ask him.

“Not really.” He replies, finally speaking. His voice is rough since he hasn’t used it all night, but I think it’s adorable.

“Could you eat something for me, just some cereal and a glass of water?”

“Okay.”

I give him a chaste peck on the lips and get out of the bed. 

After pouring a couple bowls of cereal and delivering them to Awsten’s room, I retrieve two glasses of water and finally sit back down next to him on the bed. It takes him a couple of minutes but eventually he pushes himself up and leans against the headboard.

“What do you wanna do today?” I question him, just wanting to talk about something other than his mental health or cutting.

“Nothing. Like, I know I should work on some music and talk to Jawn about getting the new music video up and probably clean my house and-“

“Hey.” I interrupt, cutting him off in the middle of his rambling.

“None of that is important. You should just worry about yourself.” I finish.

“Yeah. It just fucking sucks that I have all this cool stuff I should want to work on, but I can’t fucking force myself to fucking brush my teeth.” He rants, self hatred oozing out of his tone of voice and all the f-bombs he dropped in that one sentence.

“It’s not like you can control it Aws. Let’s just be lazy today. You can stay in bed and I promise I won’t be judging you at all.”

A small smile tugs at the corners of his lips, but that’s all the further it makes it.

We finish our cereal and Awsten decides he’s going to take a shower. Forty-five minutes later he finally pulls himself out of bed and stumbles into the bathroom. He promised me that I didn’t need to worry about him being alone, but I still make him leave the door unlocked so that I can check on him. I don’t want to be annoying or overbearing, but I can’t stand the thought of Awsten hurting himself again. Just knowing that he’s in enough mental pain to do that to himself at all is enough to bring tears to my eyes, but thinking of him cutting while I’m right here in his apartment...it’s too upsetting.

While he showers I make the bed, clean some dishes, and heat up the last of the soup I brought the night before. I’m lost in thought about how I’m supposed to break all this news to our friends when the boy reappears. His hair is just towel dried and he’s wearing a new pair of boxers, but his eyes look tired and I can’t help but let my eyes wander over his scars. He gives me an almost nonexistent smile before he walks directly back to his bed and climbs under the covers.

Awsten spends the rest of the day in bed, only getting up to use the bathroom, and I spend most of it beside him, when I’m not fixing snacks or pampering him in some way. 

Now it’s almost nine at night and I’ve just finished the dishes from supper, which was frozen pizza because Awsten didn’t have many options. I go back to the bedroom and find the adorable boy fast asleep, curled up on his side with a little drool slipping out of the corner of his mouth. Even though I feel uneasy leaving him, I know that the sooner I talk to Otto and Jawn, the sooner Aws can stop worrying about it. So I leave a note on the bedside table just in case he wakes up, which seems unlikely, telling him what I’m doing and that I’ll be back as soon as I’m done.

Once I find my phone and keys I head off toward Jawn’s apartment. There’s no way I’m driving all the way out to Otto’s farm, he’ll just have to come to me. Using the Bluetooth in my car I successfully dial up Otto’s phone number and wait (and wait and wait) for him to answer. Awsten always gets pissed off that Otto takes so long to answer calls, I think he even ranted about it on his podcast, but it doesn’t bother me.

“Hello?” He finally answers.

“Hey, where are you right now?” 

“At home. Why?”

“Listen, I need you to meet me at Jawn’s apartment as soon as possible.”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to talk about it on the phone. The band is fine, everyone’s...okay...just meet me. Okay?”

“Yeah, give me twenty minutes.”

After I hang up with Otto I give Jawn a ring to be sure he’s home. He is. The closer I get to my destination the more nervous I feel. I’ve been wondering how I’m supposed to go about this all day. I’m actually pretty glad that I’ve decided to do this tonight because I’m ready to have it over with.

When I get to Jawn’s he’s quick to answer the door and ask what was going on. I just brush him off and tell him that I want to wait for Otto. We make small talk about tour footage and the new music video he’s editing, but it only takes about ten more minutes before our drummer shows up.

“Okay, what the hell is going on?” Otto asks from his place on the couch. They’re both sitting and I’m standing in front of them, pacing, because I’m nervous as fuck.

“Okay okay. So yesterday I was supposed to go on a date with Awsten but-“ That’s all the further I make it before Jawn interrupts me.

“Wait, you guys are dating?”

“No, not really. It was gonna be our first date, but then yesterday morning he texted me and said that he was sick and that we’d have to reschedule.”

“I swear to god, if you fucking made me drive all the way over here to ask for dating advice I will personally castrate you.” Otto growls.

“Shut the fuck up, this is fucking important.” I snap. This isn’t going well, I need to cut to the chase.

“Long story short Awsten wasn’t sick he was depressed. Like, bad. He could barely get out of bed you guys.” My voice trembles a little near the end of my sentence.

“Why? That’s not him, there must be a reason.” Otto suggests.

“Yeah, there must be something going on with him. He’s always happy and shit.” Jawn adds.

“Is he really? Think about how often he’ll completely cut himself off from us. Or what about those weird days at the start of the last tour?” I comment.

Jawn looks like he’s really contemplating this information. Then he starts nodding a little before he speaks.

“Yeah, when he wouldn’t leave his bunk? And he was so pissy whenever we saw him?”

“But if he was dealing with something, like depression... why wouldn’t he just tell us?” Otto, always the reasonable one, asks.

“Because...because he...oh fuck.” Was all I managed to get out before I felt a couple tears fall from my eyes. I quickly wipe them away but the lump in my throat makes it hard to keep going.

The guys have real fear on their faces, I can tell I’m scaring them but I don’t know how to tell them this next part. 

Jawn moves over and pats the couch next to him, motioning for me to sit down. I do and then I take a deep breath and look up.

“Awsten didn’t want to tell us that he has depression because he hurts himself.”

“Woah, what?” Otto asks.

“Yeah, he’s like, cut the shit out of his wrists and thighs and everything. Like, it’s all fucked up and I guess he’s addicted.”

“Fucking hell.” Jawn whispers, more to himself than anybody.

“What are we gonna do?” Otto asks.

“I don’t- I don’t know.” I say, trying to ignore how shaky my voice is.

“I stayed with him last night and I’m happy to stay longer but that’s not a long term fix. You guys, he needs help. When he gets like this he doesn’t eat or drink and he has so many scars-“ I start to panic and ramble, but Jawn cuts me off.

“Is he alone right now?”

“Yeah, but he’s sleeping.”

“I think you should go back. We can text about our options but it doesn’t seem like he should be left alone.”

I let out a shaky breath that’s bordering on a sob and nod my head.

“Okay, yeah. You’re right.” I stand up and Jawn envelopes me in a tight hug.

“It’s gonna be okay, we’ll figure out how to help him.” He murmurs.

I take a step past Jawn and wrap my arms around Otto, then I grab my keys and head back to Awsten’s place.

I’m not even paying attention when I enter the apartment because my brain is so focused on my conversation with the boys. I poke my head into Awsten’s room and he’s just where I left him, causing me to smile a little.

I go into the bathroom and strip down for a quick shower before I try to sleep. When I step out of the steamy shower and back into the main part of the bathroom I notice something on the floor. Blood. On closer inspection it’s fresh, and there’s some smeared in the sink, and on the handle of one of the drawers. I grab a tissue and wipe off the handle before opening the drawer. Inside is a roll of ace bandages and a pile of razor blades. Some of them are unused, some have dried blood on them, and one is crimson with fresh blood.

“Shit shit shit shit shit.” I start whispering to myself. 

I pull on my boxers and race back to the bedroom. Awsten is asleep but I have to see where he hurt himself. Did it stop bleeding? Is it bad? 

I lift the blankets and quickly spot the bandages on his left wrist. I can’t see any blood soaking through the fabric, so it must have stopped bleeding. I feel myself exhale a breath of relief.

It feels wrong to go to sleep knowing what Awsten has been up to, but there’s nothing I can do to help now.

I lay awake for hours just worrying. What if he cuts too deep sometime? He could die. What if he wakes up tomorrow feeling better and doesn’t want help? He needs help even when he’s not depressed, especially if he’s always hurting himself. Have any of those cuts been suicide attempts? I know that cutting isn’t always trying to end your life, but any of those cuts could have been put there with that purpose.

Before I drive myself crazy I force myself to stop thinking about all of this in the middle of the night when I don’t have any answers. A little while later I finally drift off to sleep.

•••  
I wake up the next morning to someone poking my side, trying to rouse me.

“Geoff.” Awsten whispers.

“Hhmm?” I moan, trying to remember where I am.

“Geoff, did you tell them?” 

“Oh, yeah.” I whisper, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. The boy is sitting up in bed, obviously nervous.

“How’d it go?” He murmurs.

“Um, they were really cool about it Aws. They’re just worried about you.”

“They aren’t mad are they?”

“What? No, definitely not.”

He doesn’t reply to me so I sit up and look at him, my eyes falling on his bandaged wrist.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make him feel attacked by asking why the hell he would do that to himself, but I can’t ignore it.

“Did you clean those before you bandaged them?” I ask quietly.

He shakes his head a little, fear present in his eyes.

“Can I help you clean them now?”

He just nods. He looks absolutely adorable this morning, just in his boxers with messy hair, so I lean over and press a comforting kiss to his lips.

I’m the first to get out of bed so I hold out my hand and help Awsten up, leading him out of the bedroom.

“How are you feeling this morning?” I ask while he situates himself on the bathroom counter. His head drops forward and he rubs his eyes.

“Not great Geoff. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” I ask as I unwrap his wrist.

“You’ve just been so nice, taking care of me and shit, and I’m supposed to feel better.”

“Don’t be sorry baby.” I murmur, barely aware of the nickname I just used for him.

When I unwrap the last strip of bandages I almost gasp. My eyes shoot up to meet Awsten’s but he’s still looking at the floor. On top of the already present scars that litter his skin, is a neat row of deep slashes from the crook of his elbow all the way down his wrist.

I clear my throat and get a cotton round soaked in antiseptic, trying to be gentle as I clean the cuts. As I’m working I notice a tear fall from Awsten’s face, landing on his bare thigh.

“Hey, don’t cry.” I whisper before I pull him into a tight hug.

“Why did I h-have to d-do that?” He sobbed.

“What do you mean Aws?”

“I should have j-just gone b-back to sleep when I woke up and you weren’t h-here. But I knew it was my only ch-chance. Why do I d-do this to myself?” He cried into my shoulder.

I push him back so that I can make eye contact with him and show him how serious I am.

“Awsten, I don’t know why you do this but it’s not your fault and we’re gonna get you help. Okay?”

He just nods and wipes away his tears, still lightly sobbing. 

I quickly finish my work on his cuts and cover them back up in fresh bandages before leading Awsten back to his bed.

“Geoff?” He says in a small voice once he’s tucked back under the covers.

“Yeah?” I reply, sitting on the floor right next to the bed and crossing my legs. Awsten’s face is turned to me and he looks thoughtful.

“Are we boyfriends?”

I smile a little at the thought.

“I don’t know Aws, do you want to be?”

An adorable light blush covers his cheeks and he nods a little.

“Okay.” I say as a smile breaks out on my face. I lean forward and gently kiss my new boyfriend. When I pull back even Awsten has a small grin gracing his features and I don’t think anything has ever made me happier.

Even though I don’t want to do too much fooling around while our relationship is so new, or while Awsten is so depressed, I can’t help but want to make out with him a little. I join him on the bed and crawl under the covers so that we can be close. Taking him in my arms I shift us so that the smaller boy is on top of me, his legs straddling my waist, and we quickly connect our lips again. This kiss is a little less gentle. My tongue easily slides into Awsten’s mouth and he lets me have control without any fight. He tastes like toothpaste and a little like candy, but that just seems to be him. His body is a nice weight on top of mine and his hands are buried in my hair, the sensation almost causing me to moan. 

It’s not too long before he removes his lips from mine, giving me one more peck before he rests his head on my chest. As much as I already miss kissing him I know he must be exhausted from all his activity this morning.

I don’t even realize that I’ve totally zoned out, caught up in my own thoughts, until Awsten speaks.

“You’re hard.” He states simply.

“What?” I ask, still coming back to the real world.

“You’ve got a boner.” 

“It’s your fault.” I reply, feeling a blush creep up my cheeks.

“Want me to...like, help you out?” He asks quietly, obviously feeling shy.

“No baby, I’m okay.”

He picks up his head and rests his hands on my chest with his chin on top of them so that we’re looking at each other.

“Do you think I’m sexy?” He asks, seeming to have found his confidence.

“Of course I do Awsten. I’ve told you that before.”

“Then why don’t you want me to get you off?”

“Wow, subtle. Because I don’t want to take advantage of you while you’re not feeling well. Not to mention that fact that we’ve been dating for approximately twenty minutes.” 

“Oh. So when I’m, um... happy, we can have sex?”

He says it so casually that I can’t help the laugh that leaves my mouth.

“Yes, Aws, when you’re feeling more like yourself we can have sex.”

He snuggles back into my chest and I’m pretty sure he’s asleep when he speaks again.

“I think I am feeling a little bit better today.” 

“That’s great baby.” I answer sincerely.

“Am I gonna have to take meds or something?” He asks out of the blue, sounding concerned.

“I don’t know, let’s just take it one day at a time. Okay?”

“Okay.” He whispers.

•••  
Two weeks later

Awsten’s bout of depression lasted about five days, then in the middle of one afternoon he just felt better. He got out of bed, took a shower, got dressed, cleaned the apartment, and made us dinner. It was basically like a switch had been flipped.

It’s been a couple of weeks since the last time he hurt himself. He’s very open about the fact that he would still like to, but he talks to me when he’s triggered and he’s been doing better. We’ve decided that he should talk to a psychiatrist and a therapist because this behavior isn’t healthy, but I’m still working on getting appointments set up. For now I just make sure to never leave him alone.

*ring ring* 

I hear my phone ringing and pull it out of my pocket. I’m at the studio making some really good progress on a couple of songs, but when I see that it’s Awsten calling me I immediately answer.

“What’s up?” I answer, trying to act casual. I know he was going to be home alone this afternoon so I sent his sister over to hang out with him.

“Did you fucking tell Grace to babysit me?”

“Um, no, not really. I just asked if she wanted to check up on you.”

“You know Geoff, I know that you’re just looking out for me but I can spend one fucking afternoon alone. I get depressed sometimes, I’m not a fucking child.” 

Before I could say anything else he hung up. Now I didn’t know what to do. Was Grace still there? Was he alone and upset? I shot Grace a quick text and she said that she was still with him but that he was really pissed. Good enough for me.

I worked on our music all afternoon and well into the evening, but eventually I decide I need some dinner. I settle on pizza and pick up enough for Awsten too, hoping it can act as a peace offering.

When I knock on the door of his apartment I hear him shout “one minute” before I hear footsteps approaching. The door opens and there stands my adorable boyfriend in sweatpants and a long sleeved tee. His hair is always a mess which makes him all the cuter in my eyes.

“Hey.” He says, looking a little shy. 

“Hey, I brought apology pizza.” I reply with a little smile.

He steps aside and I enter the apartment, setting the food boxes on the kitchen counter.

“You don’t need to apologize, I was a total asshole.” He says quietly.

I walk over and plant a firm kiss on his lips while I rest my hands gently on his ass.

“You weren’t an asshole, you were right. I need to trust that you can take care of yourself and back off with the babysitters. I’m not your mother, I’m your boyfriend.”

He smiles a little at that but I also see a flash of guilt in his eyes.

“Well, let’s just agree that neither of us did the right thing today.” He says finally. I figure he just means yelling at me, so I brush it off and serve us both pizza, carrying it to the living room.

We’re done with supper awhile later and are making out on the couch. We’ve yet to have sex but we definitely fool around and that seems to be where this is heading tonight. I’m on top of Awsten with my tongue in his mouth because he’s totally a submissive (even though neither of us are very kinky) and he has his hands on my bare back. His touch alone gets me all hot and bothered so I pull his shirt over his head and run my hands over his chest, causing goosebumps to break out over his pale skin.

I can’t get enough of how he tastes and how his warm breath feels on my lips. I grab his thighs and hoist him up, while I move to a sitting position so that he can straddle my legs but he cries out in pain. 

“Fuck!” He shouts.

“What?” I ask in confusion. I may have been a bit rough when I picked him up but he usually finds it hot, within reason.

He doesn’t say anything but he has a hand pressed against the top of one of his thighs. I move his hand away and see blood soaking through his sweatpants.

“Awsten, did you cut?” I ask almost in shock.

He doesn’t say anything, he just gets up and goes into the bathroom, shutting the door but I don’t hear the lock click. 

After a few minutes I go to the restroom door and give it a couple of knocks before letting myself in. Awsten is sitting on the floor with his unharmed leg pulled up to his chest and the other straight out in front of him, sobbing into his hands. It looks like he took off his sweatpants, leaving them on the floor and I can see a few cuts on his thigh. One of them looks deeper than the others and there’s still blood escaping from it. I must have opened it back up when we were making out and I feel terrible for causing Awsten any pain. 

I sit next to him on the floor and pull him into a tight hug.

“I’m so fucking stupid.” He whimpers.

“Don’t say that baby.” 

“But I am. Geoff, you won’t let me be alone specifically because of this. You’re fucking scared I’m gonna hurt myself. Then the one time you do leave me alone? What was the first fucking thing I did when Grace left? I fucked up my leg.”

He covers his face with his hands again and resumes his sobbing.

“This is partially my fault Awsten. Just making it impossible for you to cut yourself isn’t helping anything. If I had been getting you professional help this whole time, this probably wouldn’t have happened.”

“Don’t blame yourself. Something isn’t right in my brain. I-I mean, I shouldn’t want to hurt myself over every stupid thing...right?”

It kills me when he says things like that because all I want is for him to be happy. I want him to be creative and vibrant without constantly thinking of cutting or tearing himself down over small mistakes.

“Right. I’ll set you up an appointment to see someone tomorrow, okay? No more waiting.”

Even though I feel stupid that it took a relapse to push us towards this decision, I am relieved it’s finally happening. The boy I love is in pain and I’m going to help him.

•••  
Six months later

After months of balancing medication, finding therapists, and a few relapses, Awsten is actually doing better.

He still goes through short bouts of depression, usually only lasting a few hours or a day, but that’s preferable to the weeks worth of it we used to deal with. 

He’s been clean from self harm for sixty-four days and all of his cuts have turned to scars.

I’m laying in bed next to him while he’s still sleeping and I’m thinking about all of this. I’m so unbelievably proud of my boyfriend for being strong and getting help. I love him so much and I can’t wait to leave on tour with him next week.

“Morning.” A little voice says beside me.

“Morning baby.” I reply, lacing my fingers with his.

“Let’s go brush our teeth, I wanna make out.” He says, never one to feel shy about his needs.

“I’m not gonna argue with that plan.” I say, laughing a little at my adorable boyfriend.

We both brush our teeth and use the bathroom before returning to our warm bed and sliding under the covers together. Awsten wastes no time as he crawls on top of me and connects our mouths. His lips are soft and inviting as they move against mine, finding a nice rhythm. I nip at his bottom lip and he opens his mouth letting my tongue explore and brush over his own. My hands have been in his hair up until now but I move them to his chest, making sure to rub his nipples a little before moving further down. I know that all of this is making me horny, but I want to be sure it’s having the same effect on Awsten before I go any further. My hand slides down a little lower, landing on the front of Awsten’s boxers and sure enough, he’s hard. I palm him a little causing him to gasp.

“Fuck baby.” He whimpers against my lips, his warm breath driving me crazy.

“Do you think you’re still prepped from last night?”

He shakes his head a little before resuming our making out. After giving him a quick stretch with my fingers I slide off my boxers, leaving us both completely naked. The funny thing about being in a relationship and only having sex with one person is that you don’t feel embarrassed about anything anymore. We can moan and change positions and communicate freely and it’s completely natural.

I help Awsten slide down my torso a little further so that he’s positioned over my dick, which is so hard that I’m dying for a little friction. Using some of the lube we keep in the bedside table, he takes ahold of me and lines everything up before slowly sinking down, taking my hard length in his ass. It’s so warm and tight that I immediately moan even though it’s involuntary.

“Oh fuck Aws.”

He smiles at me before he takes the rest of me inside of him and fully sits on my lap. I grab his hips, now comfortable with all of his scars, and help lift him up and then glide back down my dick. Once we get a nice rhythm started I feel so much pleasure that I know I should warn my boyfriend.

“Baby, I’m n-not gonna last long.” 

“Me neither, please touch me.” He replies.

I grab his cock and start jerking him off, being sure to pay attention to his sensitive tip.

“Oh my god, yes.” He moans.

Awsten rides me until I’m sure his thighs burn, then he lets me slide out of him and he flops down on the bed. I reposition myself above him before I slam into his hole, a little rougher than I had been previously. He’s been letting out a steady string of moans this entire time, but I know I’ve found his prostate when he slaps a hand over his mouth to muffle a scream.

“Oh my fucking god, you’re so hot Aws.” I praise as I take his swollen penis in my hand again and start rubbing him in time with my thrusts. I’m still hitting his prostate when I thrust into him and the sounds he’s making are enough to drive me wild.

“I-I’m gonna cum.” He moans, so I speed up all of my movements causing him to lose it and spill his semen all over my hand and his stomach. Just the sight of his mess pushes me over the edge too and I fill him up with my own cum.

Awsten replaces my hand with his own and finishes milking all the cum out of himself while I slowly thrust in and out of him, both of us wanting our orgasms to last. When I pull out the only thing I can concentrate on is not crushing my petite boyfriend, so I fall next to him and let myself relax.

“I love morning sex.” He states casually.

“Me too.” I pant.

“But now I’m all sticky, I’m gonna shower.” 

“I’ll make breakfast.” I say, watching him get up and walk to the bathroom.

It sounds silly, but just being with Awsten and watching how happy and calm he is makes me feel so content. When we first started dating he was self harming constantly and depressed more often than not. Just knowing that I helped him and can continue to help him be such a bright and authentic person...well lets just say that it’s completely worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not sure if I’m going to write more to this story, but I hope you enjoyed :)


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